Just what the World Needs
By Tony Moore
Publisher: New Theatre Publications (www.plays4theatre.com)
ISBN : 1 84094 376
Genre: Comedy Horror
Cast: 2F 3M
Settings: Single set
Approximate Length: 2 hours
Synopsis: In a small village miles from anywhere life is going on as usual. The pub sells its two pints a week, the squire’s gardener works only at night and the sexiest milkman, er, milkmaid, er milk person in the world delivers the milk every morning at 3am. Enter an elderly Professor in search of a vampire and a handsome but incredibly stupid young hero and the complications begin to twist and twist until the plot is completely braided.
History: This play owes its genesis to the author’s “Dracula” written in 1997. He kept coming up with vampire jokes he couldn’t put in the serious play so he wrote this one.
It was first performed in November 2005 by Spotlight Theatre Company at Covernton Hall, Strathmont Centre.
It was also performed by Chatteris Amateur Thespian Society (CATS) in the UK in April 2008.
Applications for performance rights and for scripts must be made to New Theatre Publications at their website: www.plays4theatre.com
Act 1 Scene 2
The Stage is in partial darkness. The storm can still be heard raging outside the window. Snoring can be heard issuing forth from a lump on the couch. A ticking clock can be heard in the background. Outside the window a noise can be heard like someone fiddling with the catch and a shadowy figure can just be seen through the window. The window swings open and a figure climbs in through it. The figure approaches the couch and listens quietly to see if the snoring ceases. The sound of the storm increases temporarily and the figure moves back to the window and closes it. While the figure's back is turned the snoring stops and a head is seen peeping over the back of the couch. The figure turns back as the head drops back behind the couch. The snoring starts up and redoubles, the shadowy figure looks at the couch and seeing the lump is apparently undisturbed shrugs and moves towards the door. The snoring stops and DR VON DER FÜHLE leaps from behind the couch with a torch and a crucifix yelling.
DOCTOR: Turn foul fiend and face your nemesis. I am here to thwart your foul plans and send you to that bourn from which no traveler returns.
The shadowy figure who has had it's back to the audience up to this point turns removes it's balaclava and reveals itself to be a rather attractive young woman in a skin tight black outfit a lá Cathy Gale or Emma Peel. (Forgotten the Avengers already Huh?)
RACHEL: Good morning, I'm Rachel Cohen. How are you?
She goes towards him and shakes his hand totally ignoring the crucifix. She lets go of his hand and he looks at the crucifix and shakes it a couple of times as though he can make it work. He then obviously has a bright idea.
DOCTOR: Did you say Rachel Cohen?
RACHEL: That's right.
He looks at his crucifix realizes it isn't going to do him any good and puts it in his pocket.
The door swings open and reveals DELPHINIUM in her dressing gown holding a cricket bat; she turns on the light and assumes a rather aggressive pose.
DELPH: All right give up and come quietly I've called the police and they'll be here soon.
RACHEL looks at her for a moment and slinks (it's the only word) over to the couch. She sits in a very provocative pose, produces a cigarette case and long holder from somewhere about her person, puts a cigarette in the holder and then sits waiting expectantly for the professor to light it.
There is total silence and lack of movement on stage for a count of five then the DOCTOR looks embarrassed and pats his pockets for matches finds nothing and starts to aimlessly search the bar. He eventually finds a box of matches then has great difficulty lighting the cigarette. Make this routine last as long as you think its working. Neither DELPHINIUM nor RACHEL move during this process. At long last the cigarette is lit.
RACHEL: Cigarette anyone?
DELPH: (Icily) Hello Rachel. What brings you here at this hour? (The clock chimes 3.)
RACHEL: Just my usual delivery darling.
DELPH: (To DOCTOR) Rachel is our Milkmaid er milk person.
DOCTOR: (Looking at RACHEL in obvious approval). Really?
RACHEL: Yes Darling.
DOCTOR: In that outfit?
RACHEL: Why not?
DOCTOR: Yes why not indeed yes hmm most attractive, very practical too I'm sure yes. (He realizes he sounds like an idiot and shuts up.)
DELPH: We need two extra pints today. We have guests, as you can see.
RACHEL: Yes, I ran into George, he mentioned you had a young man staying so I thought I'd drop in. (Looks at DOCTOR) He doesn't look all that young though.
DELPH: This is Dr Vonderful...
DOCTOR: (In a long suffering tone.) Von Der Fühle.
DELPH: ...he just happened to be passing late last night. He says he's looking for a vampire.
RACHEL: A vampire? In Great Muddlepuck? Shouldn't he be wandering around in the Black Forest?
DELPH: No I think that's Werewolves.
They ignore him.